Trump to Make America Safe Again

Satire by Roy Jones, January 2, 2017

“No computer is safe,” said P-E Donald Trump yesterday at an impromptu news briefing on the steps of Mar-a-Largo, the Winter White House to be. “So I’ll be banning computers from the White House on day one.” Trump went on to say he would be managing by post-it notes because he’s been managing that way since they were introduced in 1968.

“The last time America was great secretaries wore skirts and used typewriters; accountants used ledger books and wore eyeshades.” Trump continued, “My Rolodex has never gotten a virus or needed a reboot & it never will.”

When asked how he plans to communicate with Congress P-E Trump said “Peter Thiel and I are starting an armed courier service in DC. Each rider gets a bike, and AR-15 and a flare gun, best courier service ever, gonna be huge.”

The sale of Rolodex, Interoffice envelopes and pink “While You Were Out” pads has skyrocketed according to Office Supply Depot spokesperson Jane Doe.

When asked if the White House staff was on board with the tech ban P-E Trump replied, “One hundred and ten percent. Well, except of course for my son Baron, he calls me Trumpasaurus Rex.”

 

 

CEOs to Trump: Shut up about the Wall already!

Satire by Roy Jones, December 28, 2016

A number of corporate Chief Operating Officers have made statements lately telling P-E Trump to stop talking about that wall with Mexico. “He’s gonna kill our bottom line.”, said Jim Doe CEO of Amalgamated Beef Industries, “Ever try threatening an American citizen by tearing up his green card? Without out cheap – and I mean really cheap – labor where would our industry be?”

CEO of American Produce Inc. John Doop, said “Stopping illegal immigration is un-American I tell you. This country was half built on free labor, but that’s another story. How are we going to afford construction labor, groundskeepers, parking lot attendants and maids if businesses are forced to pay real wages and benefits? If Trump builds that wall business stops!”

 

 

Yo! Boxing Day for Real in America

Satire by Roy Jones, December 28, 2016

At Malls all across America, the day after Christmas as devolved into a series of melees as bored teens on Christmas break connect on social media and show en mass at food courts where fights inevitably break out. One arrested juvenile was heard to yell out to his friends as he was dragged away by police, “Yo, Boxing Day for real in America.” So it seems.

 

 

Israel to pause New Settlements…on Long Island

Satire by Roy Jones, December 28, 2016

The Israel Consulate office in New York City issued a statement stating that Israel would temporarily halt all new settlements on Long Island and the news spread quickly from Great Neck to Brooklyn surprising everyone. No one at the Consulate could be reached for a comment.

When contacted for a statement Mayor Bill de Blasio of New York said “There are rumors that the Israel Consulate is moving to Teaneck and that New York City is going to annex Bergen County. None of this is true; New York City remains committed to the five borough solution.”

 

 

Iran to change name of The Supreme Cultural Revolution Council to the Electoral College of Iran

Satire by Roy Jones, December 28, 2016

“It serves the same purpose, but the Electoral College has a much better ring to it. Don’t you agree?” said Assistant Grand Ayatollah Joeallah Doella yesterday. “We can veto the people’s choice and avoid those messy excesses of Democracy just like in the United States, but just like in America the revolution is over already so let’s update name.”

 

 

P-E Trump’s Communications Director has Nervous Breakdown

Satire by Roy Jones, December 26, 2016

Reporters stalking the lobby of Trump Tower captured audio of President –Elect Trump’s Communications Director Jason Miller as he was being escorted out of the building by three men in white coats from Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital earlier today. The sound has background noise but Mr. Miller can clearly be heard:

“Tweet, tweet……shhh…The birds…shhh…why are they doing this?…Tweet, tweet…shhhhh…It’s because they are evil. Evil I tell you!….shhh…Tweet….tweet….they’re on the monkey bars…shhh…the birds are at the gas station!…shhh…here comes another tweet!…shhh.”

The new Communications Director for the P-E transition team released a statement stating that Mr. Miller would be spending more time with his family.

 

Trump Tweets Moby Dick

Satire by Roy Jones, December 22, 2016

“All issues are really simple if you just cut the crap out. Nuclear issues are simple; we got a lot, the Russians have a lot, everybody has a lot less. I’m like the best ever at cutting out crap & I’ll prove it,” said President Elect Trump today. “Here is Moby Dick in one tweet:”

I’m Ishmael. I got a job on a boat. Captain Ahab is nuts. There she blows! Ut-oh we’re taking on water. Glad I lived to tell the story.

“See, everything else is just wasted talk, bla, bla. I’ll leave that for people who talk for a living like the lying press and the not funny comedians. Me? I get stuff done.”

 

 

 

NC GOP Bans new Governor from using Restroom

Satire by Roy Jones December 22, 2016

In an unusual move the Republican-dominated North Carolina legislature yesterday banned Governor-Elect Roy Cooper from using the restrooms at the state capital building in Raleigh. “I don’t care what his birth certificate says”, stated Representative Clem Tarheel.

Outgoing Governor Pat McCory said he would sign the bill into law on his last day in office, but not until he made one last trip there himself. “It’s just spiteful.” said incoming Governor Roy Cooper, “They’re wasting taxpayer money putting in an outhouse just for me.”

 

 

Trump to Tweet Inaugural Address

Satire by Roy Jones, December 19, 2016

In a complete departure from precedent President Elect Donald Trump stated he will be Tweeting his inaugural address as he delivers it live at his swearing-in ceremony on January 20th. “It will be huge, biggest Tweet storm ever as I switch over to the POTUS Twitter account.”, stated Trump.

A portion of his first Inaugural tweet follows:

Don’t ask what Trump can do for you; ask what you can do for Trump. Make America great again.

 

Electoral College to become Electoral University

Satire by Roy Jones, December 18, 2016

Washington DC – Speaker Paul Ryan announced today that he is sponsoring a bill to change the Electoral College into the Electoral University which he says can be done without an amendment to the Constitution. “In order to protect the Electors from public harassment I will introduce a bill to put the Electoral College online as the Electoral University,” stated Speaker Ryan.

“It’s full name will be the Electoral University of Phoenix because the University of Phoenix will be hosting the new site and they have done a great job monetizing, I mean privatizing, education in America.” Speaker Ryan continued, “This way the Electors can be kept a secret and cast secret ballots and not have to worry about their security like they do now when everyone knows who they are.”

It all appears to be part of the Republican plan to privatize the functions of government, Ryan concluded,”It’s a win – win, the Electors become private and the whole process goes online. What could possibly go wrong?”

 

 

China Agrees to return Drone

Satire by Roy Jones, December 17, 2016

Dateline South China Sea – China agrees to return drone they made for the US Navy. “I check serial number and still under warranty,” said Jo Lo Doe the CEO of Hugely Arms Peking, the largest arms supplier in Communist China, “we flash bios, update navigation program not get lost anymore. Navy just need to reboot it.”

 

First Lady Elect hires Spark Joy author to assist in move to White House

Satire by Roy Jones, December 16, 2016

Meliana Trump today confirmed that she has hired Spark Joy author Marie Knodo to tidy things up a bit before the Trumps move into the White House in late January. “I’m big fan of Spark Joy movement,” said Mrs. Trump, “I only want to hang on to things that bring joy in life.” When asked about her new role with the first couple Ms. Kondo said, “I’m not sure, went into Mr. Trump’s closet, very sad, very bad feelings, bad things in there. Maybe need exorcist, not me.”

 

Trump’s “Thank You Tour” heads to Moscow

Satire by Roy Jones, December 16, 2016

The President Elects thank you tour is flying off to Moscow for a huge weekend rally in Red Square. “I just wanted to thank my supporters”, said Trump, “The doubters and the lying press and crooked Hillary said we couldn’t win but the Russians backed the winning horse. I always win, like Putin, and I’m strong too, so strong.”

Trump will be the first President-Elect to visit Russia and when asked if he will be discussing Russia’s annexation of Crimea with Putin Trump replied “Look that’s all he wants, most Crimea people speak Russian anyway. I think he’s satisfied and we’re good friends although I’ve never met him except on 60 minutes.”

 

 

 

Trump Transition Teams sends out another Questionnaire

Satire by Roy Jones, December 12, 2016

The Trump transition team has sent out another controversial questionnaire to a large number of Federal Government employees a copy of which was emailed to the New York Times which reports among the most unusual questions were these:

-On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is most favorable, “Do you approve of President-Elect Trump’s hair?”

-Has anyone you know attended a meeting where President-Elect Trump’s hair was referred to in a derogatory manner? Please list their names here ___________________________________________.

–Has anyone you know attended a meeting where President-Elect Trump’s precious bodily fluids were discussed? Please list their names here ___________________________________________.

 

 

 

Obama orders CIA Investigation on “How the Hell Hillary Lost”

Satire by Roy Jones, December 10, 2016

Today the President used his executive powers for nearly the last time by ordering a full report from the CIA on how in the world Hillary Clinton could lose the 2016 election to Donald Trump. “There has to be something wrong somewhere.” The President is reported to have said.

A source inside the CIA has leaked information to the AP that the CIA strongly suspects the FBI and or the Russians of dirty tricks reminiscent of the Nixon-Brezhnev era. “We don’t need another axis of evil like that again.” said an anonymous source, “A Trump – Putin axis would be truly frightening, have you read 1984?”

 

 

Dylan breaks glass ceiling!

Satire by Roy Jones, December 9, 2016

Legendary singer-songwriter and recent Nobel laureate Bob Dylan told the Swedish Academy he “didn’t feel worthy” of the Nobel prize in literature unless he got to share the honor with equally legendary singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell.

“This would help symbolically break the glass ceiling that the recent election did not.” Dylan commented. “Joni is absolutely my equal as a poetic lyricist and twice the singer,” said Dylan. When told of Dylan’s generous offer Ms. Mitchell replied laughing, “Tell Bob thanks, but he’s wrong, I’m three times the singer he is.”

 

 

Trump to Bezos: “Amazon go has to Stop!”

Satire by Roy Jones, December 8, 2016

Upon learning of Amazon chief Jeff Bezos’s plan to open an Amazon go convenience store in Seattle in 2017 that tracks shoppers purchases without checkout lines or cashiers and automatically charges customers cell phones as they exit Trump said, “If Bezos thinks he can ship our jobs to virtual Mexico he’s making a huge mistake, big league. I want nonunion cashiers in that Seattle store from day one.”

“How am I going to make America great again if the one percent keep virtualizing our jobs with fancy artificial intelligence and robots and crazy stuff? Somebody’s got to stop them from virtualizing all our jobs and bring jobs back to reality right here in America. Am I right? You bet I’m right and I’m the only one who can do it.” Said Trump to a rally of unemployed old white people in Ohio.

When asked to comment about the use of artificial intelligence, laser-guided camera systems, and robotics to replace human workers. John Doe of Buckeye County Ohio said, “Do what? I just want a job, I have a family to feed.”

© 2016 and 2017 by Roy Jones